Today's Topic: What is a Jpeg?

The man pictured above could be anyone. He could in fact be your dad. But in reality he is not a man at all. He is a series of colorful dots representing the father of a famous and sexy actress. This colorful dot-dad is composed of pixels, and today we are analyzing how these slllllutty little points on a screen can really be given the value of a living person, (caring or no). The colorful dots came from the camera of a paparazzo. The white dots, incidentally, were Photoshopped on by another blogger like me, only gayer, named Perez Hilton. He is the caring dad of all paparazzi in the blogosphere.

You once may have thought that a Jpeg was a pirate. Some notoriously handicapped pirates have suffered the loss of one or both of their legs while swashbuckling with white whales or privateers or paparazzi. These pirates replace their appendages with wooden poles called "peg-legs". Legend tells us of an illusive breed of Rastafarian pirate who, when at a loss for a leg, have substituted traditional "peg-legs" for large marijuana-cigarette-legs. These rare pirates are known as Jpegs. The image above is a Jpeg of legs. Really.

At first I was happy that the head has been cropped off of this image. When I saw the allegation of "Armpit Fat" written in bold, lustrous mouse strokes I cringed instinctively. "Off with her head", I thought! However upon closer examination using the hot hot hotkey "command plus" I have determined that this image portrays not armpit fat but inflamed lymph nodes. Everybody knows that an inflamed lymph node in the armpit has been the cause of many a red-carpet casualty, but it is far less repulsive than...the "f" word. Shame on Perez for his lewd accusation! Now I would like to see the head of this celeb so I can tweet a message of heartfelt condolence.

This image demonstrates one of the newest innovations in pixel technology. As of October 1st 2009, pixels are edible! While most websites still offer only generic "eyes only" pixel flavors such as yellow, cyan, and magenta, certain high-end sites (such as perezhilton.com and lookatthisfuckinghipster.com) now feature fine flavors like Bikeseat, Tofu-Tripe, and Armpit Fat. Above, Fallout Boy's dreamy frontman Patrick Stump samples the newest flavor, Cumguzzle 2.0.

In the world of Jpeg piracy, ethics are rarely considered. Nobody ever asks if it is right to right click or wrong to click agree or wrong to agree to click. It's the same with all piracy. "I want that new Fallout Boy album and I'm gonna bite torrents until I get it!" or "I want that white whale and I'm gonna peg legs until I get it!" At any rate, it is safe to say that whatever it is, the pixelated pixie pictured above did it.

These three brothers are also gay lovers. The white hearts pop-up-videoing between their hunky heads indicate this. Pixels have the power to alter sexualities. Gay people are just as wonderful as straight people. The only difference is that gay people frequently enjoy viewing naked pixels of people of the same gender as themselves, and straight people frequently do not.

Behold! In this Jpeg we can see the patriarchs of the American media. They are a razz-ma-tazz group of papas, so they are called the paparazzi. The American media is one of the only gender-equal workplaces on Earth because in order to be a papa you only need to be able to operate a camera. Even mamas can be papas! Digital photography enables a gender-bending miracle of sexual reproduction. Once you click the button (clitoris) on the camera you open the aperture (vagina) and light (semen) burns itself into the camera's memory card (ovum). If one little photograph (sperm) is super determined, it may just be exported. This is how a Jpeg is born. (Note: to shoot on film rather than a memory card is akin to midwifery.)

Sometimes, if celebs have beer bellies and devil hooves, Jpegs may die while they are still inside their mother (camera). That is when you get Placenta flavored pixels dripping onto the stage floor like so many tears.

Jpegs are able to teach us about human emotion. Generally if there are white pixels showing on the teeth of celebs or on their ring fingers, these humans are happy. Note: no relationship between pixels and the emotions of non-celebs has been proven.

Jpegs can stop time. This is useful in preventative medicine. At the moment that this photograph was conceived, this human female was in the middle of telling a lie. Now she will always be in the middle of telling the lie, but fortunately the lie will never be completely told. Good work papa! Did you notice the luminosity of the pixels in her teeth?

This man got confused between the "eyes only" flavors of pixel and the gourmet Cumguzzle 2.0 variety. Coming in 2010: Scratch 'N' Sniff Pixels!

This Jpeg is the piece de resistance of our collection today. It summarizes Perez Hilton's entire manifesto on Internet authenticity and media culpability. He is clearly a man who is not well. He believes, as I understand from his Photoshopping above, that Jpegs are 100% REAL. Here is a man so infected by internet idolatry, so demented by dotcom demonics, so perverted by pixelated pornography, that he honestly believes that his Jpegs are living breathing humans! A single Jpeg is not a luminescent dot displaying a color value from a coded bitmap on a computer harddrive. No, it is, in the case of the woman above, a real follicle of human hair, an actual bubble of rabid celeb-saliva! Never!

Ahhhh!!! OMG OMG OMG! I have just been lacerated by an adamantium claw! Fuck U Wolverine! And OMG OMG it's not even the real Wolverine it's fuckin' Porky Pig on 'roids! OMG SHIT I am getting blood all over this keyboard! I never woulda believed it! Killed by a goddamn pixelated mutant bitch straight out of my monitor! Curse you Perez Hilton and yet why did I ever doubt youuuuuuu!? OMG I gotta tweet about this before I bleed to death!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggllllllllllol.